Saturday, November 22, 2008

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm......

Do the daily occurrences of your life ever just make you wonder? My mind is constantly a glow with wonder. I don't usually take to the What if questions, more to the Why's? I feel like life is one big barrel of why's? I question so many things, sometimes out of pure interest and sometimes out of pure disgust. I think my intrigue into the why's of the world has to do with my fascination in psychology and people and human interaction. I have gotten to a point in my life where I am not embarrassed or scared or whatever to say how I feel or what I need and this always makes me wonder why everyone is not there? Why can't we all just say how we feel, what we want, what we need? Why is honesty not the most common practiced virtue?

Don't you think that if everyone was just honest and upfront about what they want that we might all be a little happier, and just a few words away from getting what we really want?

Just a few things that make me go hmmmmm....

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Me vs. You vs. Who?

I have started to notice something that seems to have become a bit of a pattern. I say something about my life or something that happened to me or something I am feeling at the moment and someone else says "well what about me? i did blah, blah, blah.."

I don't know about you but when someone tells me something I don't automatically think, "how do you think I felt?" I automatically think, how did that make that person feel, is there anything I can do to help or make it better?

I am not sure why so many people, even selfless people, sometimes just want to jump to thinking about themselves in situations. Why is it that people feel the need for the comparison? Does it somehow make them feel more human? More Alive?

I guess I just don't understand because when someone starts to talk about something that happened to them, I actually just listen and let them talk it out.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

And You Call Me Your Friend....?

When you hear the term "friend" what does that mean to you? To me, that means through thick and thin, through good and bad, without judgement, open arms, open heart, shoulder to lean on, FOREVER. It means love, it means I love you no matter what, I love you BECAUSE of you, not inspite of, it means FRIENDS first. I always put my friends before myself, or someone else's needs instead of mine. I am one of the most selfless people I know, and that is a bold statement. I don't mean to say it as a cocky thing, I mean to say it as a "what the fuck?" thing. How is it that someone who cares sooo much about other people, who is ALWAYS there for other people in whatever way possible, is constantly getting shit on.

It truly is amazing that I am still standing on two feet and still as happy as I am. It definitely took me a loong time to grow into my skin. To develop to be the strong, synical, comical, genuine (meh I was always genuine), independent, intelligent woman that I am.

I have consistently put my friendships ahead of my work and ahead of me in many cases. Apparently when the reverse came to be, the same was not true of my friends. Apparently their work was more important than their friendships, their love, the fundamental basis for being. It's happen with more than one of my friends (maybe I should be air quoting that, the term friend might be a little iffy.)

I feel like I often say I am shocked and amazed about something, which is what I thought for a split second here, but then was overcome with anger. It takes a lot to get me angry, to make me shed tears, to make my heart palpitate like it is about to jump out of my chest and run a marathon. This happened recently.

that's my rant since i can't make any more sense of it...sigh

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Obnoxious People I Deal With...

Why is that most people are just soo selfish. First, I moved out of a great apartment with a great roommate, now I moved into a familiar situation with a great friend in an equally great apartment. Our friend that moved out did 2 super obnoxious things.
1) She cut the cable wire, WHO THE FUCK IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT?!?!
2) She made a big stink about needing a check, even though I told her it was coming and she had already known when it was coming.

Apparently that wasn't enough, so she decided to repeatedly say she hates dealing with friends and money, i'm sorry, but DON'T call me your "friend" and then treat me the way you have. That is so not ok, and it is such bull-shit.

When I moved out of my apartment before the last one, as a FAVOR, out of the goodness of my heart, I left my router for my roommate so that she wouldn't be without internet. I didn't need to do that, but I thought it was really nice of me. I assumed that when she moved, she would let me know and I could get my router back. Well she didn't, and I had mentioned that I needed it. Finally, when I moved again and actually needed to router I asked her for it and she said that she was too busy for the next several weeks and couldn't get it to me. I originally offered to go to her place, or her work, then offered to send stuff to mail it back to me. All to no avail, finally, when I told her I couldn't wait and she couldn't just drop it in a post office box (their rules, not mine) she told me it wasn't her problem. WTF, it is your problem.

How the hell are people soo selfish. I just do not get it. HOW, HOW, HOW.

That's all I feel like ranting about, but trust me, after I hike up to the upper east side to get my router, I will be back in full swing, cause MAN do I have a lot to say.

Hold tight..

Monday, April 28, 2008

Oh life..

So I'm 27 now, have been for almost a month now and I feel like I am at a place in my life where I really know who I am and am proud of it. I think it takes a everyone different experiences in their life and different moments to really get to that point where they say, "this is who I am and I am damn proud of where I've been and what I've become." I can tell you that the path that lead me here (and I actually got here a while ago but am just now taking the time to reflect on this) was full of every emotion under the sun. I went from being that the eternally happy child to a cynical adult full of sarcasm, compassion, love and eternal optimism ever-still. I long for the great experiences that got me here, tuck away the painful heart-ache and trauma that built me up stronger, and try to live every day to the fullest. I have a group of friends, who probably don't know it, but who have allowed me to really be me. I think it is soo important to have that, to be able to say that your friends know you are, inside and out, and love every inch of your being. I have always said that my friends are my anchors, they keep me afloat. More than ever, I think it is so important to be able to say "this is who I am; love it or leave it." Our world is soo different from what it was centuries ago, decades ago, years ago, days ago, hours ago. We are ever-evolving and for that purpose I am a go-with-the-flow kind of person. Sooo much has happened in my life where it is sooo important, soo powerful right then and there. That power fades and slowly but surely something else grabs a hold of your emotions. I prefer not to waste my time thinking about what might of been, I like to think about what's happening now and what will be
.... and on that note I'm done talking...peace, love & happiness

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Nerves, Nerves, Nerves

Have you ever felt your heart just stop and start again? I have, it is a crazy feeling when you catch it, and it is even crazier to think about because it makes you feel a little bit like your nuts. So many things in the past few months have made me feel a little but like I'm nuts. Fortunately, I have had time to reflect on the things that have made feel a little nuts. A lot of times, I don't think people really take the time to think about and reflect on what is happening in their lives, around them, to the people around them etc. I think it is important to think about and read in to those happenings to help you understand yourself and your life a bit better. I think too often people are in a rush to go nowhere, and no one takes the time to really get things. I like to think that I really get things, and because of that, I see the world in a whoooole different light.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Chelsea & Chuy

How can you not love them?!!?

You Doubt My Truth, That Hurts

I am paralyzed by the doubt I hear in the voices of people I call friends, people that I would expect to have engaged in a feeling of care and concern after what I told them, people that doubt my truth. As it turns out, THE TRUTH for you all on the dubious side, I was drugged on Friday night at a bar. Trust me, this was not my first reaction to the events that happened after a night of light drinking for me. We went to the bar around 6:30pm and I was there until about 10pm. In that time period I consumed 2 drinks and one shot, pretty spaced out. I already felt pretty drunk after my first drink, but didn't think much of it. Later in the night I started to feel really weird, I thought it was just that I was too drunk and should go home, but I know that I felt a different drunk, not the drunk you normally feel, I felt strange and weird. I walked the one block back to my apartment, talked to my roommate for a minute and then literally passed out. I woke up to a pool of vomit in my bed, because I had apparently thrown up in my sleep. I spent most of my Saturday morning, from about 6 am to 10 am in the bathroom trying to regain my sense of being a living creature. It took me much of the day to recover from this physically. Mentally and emotionally I have not yet recovered. After talks with friends, and the pieces of my Friday night somewhat put back together, it became evident that I experienced all the classic symptoms of being drugged. I don't remember a chunk of my night, my senses were completely out of whack and the fact that I threw up in my sleep further solidified what I hoped was not true, but indeed that I was drugged.

Now imagine how scary that is, and then imagine telling your friends about this and MOST of them express serious concern and it makes you feel a sense of security to know that you have these people that are genuinely concerned. Then you have the people that seem to think that this is just an indication that you are a lightweight, or that this is just too crazy to be true. I want to know how someone who knows you, knows you don't lie, in fact, can't tell a lie to save your life, could even possibly doubt that this is true. I just want to put this out there in the universe that I am completely offended as an honest human being and as these people's friends that could doubt my truth, that instead of concern I get belittling comments and snide remarks.

Truthfully, BECAUSE I DON'T LIE, that hurts.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Honesty is kind of hard word to define, and probably one that most people define differently. The first word in relation to honesty is that it is a quality. A quality is a charcterisitic or a trait. One of the things that makes us all intrinsically human is that we all have the capability to do what is right, to act responsibly, truthfully and honestly. The problem in human life lies where the responsibilty, the truth and the honesty should be directed. Some people do it all for their families, some people do it for themselves, some do it for their countries and some people do it for their jobs. Everyone's sense of responsibilty,truth and honesty is different, we all meausre it differently which makes it hard to define.

What I think should be universal is that we should all be honest with eachother and with ourselves. Everyone who knows me knows that I am an honest person, pretty blunt, a tell it like it is kind of person. I do this because I don't think there is any need to sugar coat things or play games. I think you should be able to say to someone I feel this way, or I think this, and this is why and go from there. For example...I think that life is waaaay to short to sweat the small stuff, and that people always think they can do it tomorrow, or a week from now, whatever, and people take for granted that tomorrow, a week from now, whatever, will be here. We do not know for sure that it will be. I also think that people make it really hard for everyone else to be honest, because people read too much into things, or just take from it what they want to create their own truths.

This is officially one of my little rants, because I think people rely too much on other people's truth and it makes us all incapable of being who we really want to be, or who we really should or could be.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


Hmm, do you ever feel like you have been ousted off of an Island that you had a hand in building?!? That's how I currently feel. It's funny too, because I ALWAYS said I wanted a private island and have been very careful in handing out invitations. To this day I think I have officially invited less than 5 people to my island. That being said, I am usually a pretty good judge of character. I have probably incorrectly judged someone's character in about 3% of people I have met. Those are pretty good odds.
It's funny though how if you "invite" someone somewhere, they then turn-around and the close the door on you. Funny.
But guess what, Karma's a bitch!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Roe V. Wade Anniversary

So today is the 35th anniversary of Roe V. Wade, the historical decision of the Supreme Court to legalize abortion. I find myself feeling like I have to talk about this topic. For a large portion of my life I found myself 200% pro-life, always thinking that people that have abortions are all irresponsible sex-craving kids who were too young to be having sex and deal with the consequences. Without question, I was not only ignorant and judgemental in this, I was wrong. While there are some people that use Abortion as a form of birth control, there are just as many people that find themselves in a really hard place when they see that test turn positive.

When this matter hit close to home, I had no choice but to re-position my thoughts on this matter. While I do think that every child has a right to life, I also think that every woman has the right to decide what is best for her, for her body, for her future and for the future of that child. There is no reason that ANYONE should ever be able to tell you that you have to have a child. This is on EVERY level a personal, individual, person-by-person situation that can't and shouldn't be mandated by any governing body of law. I think that until you are in, or you know someone in, this situation you can't pass judgement on it. Feel free to think whatever you want, but it is completely unfair for you to protest this so adamantly. Because until you are that person that has to live with the guilt of your decision every single day, until you are that person that has to agonize over making that decision, until you are that person that thinks about this every time you even think about having sex, or every time you have sex, until you live 1 single day in the mind of someone that has had to have an abortion and you understand what happens to their psyche after a decision and a process like this, there is a chance that you may not be able to even begin to tell them how much you protest this, how against this you are, because you will realize it is much more than what you are protesting, it is much more than your convictions and your feelings, it is so much more than politics, it is people and it is personal.

Maybe these pro-life protesters should take the time to sit down with someone that has had to go through this and see what this person is like. Learn that this person is not the devil that you paint them out to be, realize, that maybe they have a lot of the same thoughts as you. All I'm saying is until it hits home for you, maybe you shouldn't judge, maybe your efforts should be concentrated on issues that really need to be fought.

The Way I See It #280

"You can learn a lot more from listening than you can from talking. Find someone with whom you don’t agree in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don’t argue back. It’s physically impossible to listen with your mouth open."
-- John Moe
Radio host and author of Conservatize Me.

I LOVE this quote, I think that everyone should try this once in a while!!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

2008 is bound to be GREAAATT!!!

I actually, for once in my life, feel like things are starting to fall right into place. I started off the new year doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do, and I made the bold decision to stop chasing things and let them chase me. I have a feeling that 2008 is really going to be great!!!

Top 10 Reasons for a Great '08

10. HELLOO Elections!! There is real potential for either a Woman or a Black Man to be elected to office, AND I can't friggin' wait. 2008 my friends, let's get with it!

9. Work, It's a definite plus when you go back to some place at the beginning of the year without hesitation, and with a clear head!

8. My morale budget at Morpheus. Keeping up Morale isn't everyone's forte, but it is my passion :)

7. A potential February visit, with a real possibility!

6. My team at work, we got a restructure, but I could not be happier about the people on my team!! TEAM PINEAPPLE EXPRESS SMELLLLSS GOOD :) :) (On that note, the movie is also coming out this year!)

5. The (RED) Campaign, they only have the potential to get better, more partners, more products, more relief for people with HIV and AIDS

4. Rori's Wedding

3. Andy & Brendan's Wedding

2. I'm FINALLY getting a brother that I LOOOOOVE

1. Friends And Family... Can't live with 'em, SURE AS HELLL can't live without them!!