Internal Screams

You know I am reallly angry when I can no longer vent my frustration in my facebook status or the 140 characters I am allowed on twitter. I don't understand how I always end up the target of people's ridiculous rationalizations for their feelings. It is safe to say that 99.9 times out of 100 I consider EVERYONE else's feelings but my own.

Ready for the rant?!?...

I am sooo unbelievably sorry that the one weekend that happened to work out for 5 of my friends to get together just happened to be the weekend before your birthday,which falls during the week and fully intended to be here for. I am sorry that I made plans to see some of my friends that I have not really gotten to spend quality time with in years. I am sorry that I didn't know until a few weeks ago that your parents were coming and that you never ONCE mentioned the date just said for your birthday, WHICH IS ON A TUESDAY!!!!! I am also sorry if the 600 life-changing things that have happened in 2009 have affected my sense of time, and if it caused me for 1 second to think about myself and what I wanted to do.



I am more intuitive than most people could ever know or ever care to be. I don't know why, but I do know that I have a love-hate relationship with this. So don't think that your silent little maneuvers are lost on me. I know what it all means and I also know that it is intentionally hurtful and that is just unfair. I didn't set out to upset and I am sorry if you can rationalize this situation to make it seem like I did and if somehow that allows you to validate your actions.


These are my internal screams that I am yelling out here!

Drama Free

My roommate, who I love dearly, is a bit of a drama queen. This is not me talking behind her back, she knows it as we have spoken about it many times. Everything that happens to her is the biggest deal in the world and she always tell the story so it has that tone of our parents and grandparents stories when they tell us they walked miles to school, in the snow, with no shoes. I usually entertain her drama filled moment for about 1-3 minutes. Last night though, I was not in the mood. She had apparently dropped her cell phone into the toilet and thought she was the only person in the world that this has ever happened to. I calmly told her that she could put her phone in rice and I have heard several times that has been successful in saving people's waterlogged phones.

Every time something like this happens and someone reacts like the world is collapsing on them, my response is always, "Worse things have happened." How is it that I am one of very few people that realizes that? I have been plagued with several sicknesses, some chronic, and am infamous for having bad luck. I almost never complain and I just don't get how other people can't see past their problems to bigger picture. In the grand scheme of life, you are just one being, so you have to imagine that there are others out there with similar experiences, and then others who have it waaaay worse. We live in NYC, don't you think that after passing 6 bums on your way home that you might think your life is a little bit better. Let me put it this way:

Your day: I dropped my cell phone in a toilet while I was out to dinner at a nice restaurant with my friends after work.

Bums bad day: Sat on the street somewhere hoping that someone would take mercy on me and give me some food, or some money to get food, maybe even something to keep me warm.

I guess I just wish that people would realize how fortunate they are, even if you are not a millionaire living the high life. The fact that you have a job, a place to live, money to eat and clothe yourself, a roof over you head, that anything else that happens is like an added bonus.

So you dropped your cell phone in the water, it's replaceable. Life will go on.

I prefer to be drama free.

Top Of The Morning To You...

I am not a morning person. People who know me well, know that, but for some reason they choose to ignore it. I need at least an hour before I have any interest in talking to anyone in the morning. This is often mistaken for rudeness, EVEN if people know I am not a morning person. So why do people just ignore the obvious? If you already know something is fact, why not take it at face value? Why do you have to so completely overlook it?

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same..Or Do they?

Do you ever sit back and silently evaluate your life and your friendships and the relationships that surround you? I do, all the time, I am constantly taking it all in. I can safely say that I observe more than any one person I know. This has to do with my fascination with people and the way we each respond to certain things and our varying differences. I am constantly aware, for better or worse, of how the way I act affects other people. I don't think, actually I know for a fact, that other people are not as aware of this as I am. Sometimes it is a blessing in disguise, other times it is a pain in the ass. Why is that I am so conscious of other people's emotions that sometimes it affects the way I am. I mean, I truly have sympathy for people when they are in pain, when they are happy, sad, scared, nervous, excited, anxious etc. I am not sure that anyone is that intuitive about my emotions, and the way that I will react. Often times, people have me pegged as the wrong person. I have a "friend" who didn't want to tell me something she was going through because she thought I would be disappointed in her situation. In all actuality, my first instinct is to sympathize with someone, to feel how they are feeling, and to feel for them and for what they are going through. Judging people is never one of my instincts. I guess this rant is more about my disappointment in her understanding of me and my capabilities as her friend. It hurts to know that someone who calls you their friend, doesn't trust you enough to let you help them go through this. And, not even that, doesn't trust that you are able to help them through that. It's the lack of confidence that kills, but then what kills even more is finding out that someone you really thought had that confidence and trust in you is defending the other party. I'm sorry, but I can tell you from personal experience and hardship that putting trust and confidence in your friends is the best way to find out who your true friends are. You shouldn't shut people out without even giving them the opportunity to prove you wrong. That is just how I feel about all of this, and is this is like my diary, I am writing it here, for everyone (or no one) to read!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm......

Do the daily occurrences of your life ever just make you wonder? My mind is constantly a glow with wonder. I don't usually take to the What if questions, more to the Why's? I feel like life is one big barrel of why's? I question so many things, sometimes out of pure interest and sometimes out of pure disgust. I think my intrigue into the why's of the world has to do with my fascination in psychology and people and human interaction. I have gotten to a point in my life where I am not embarrassed or scared or whatever to say how I feel or what I need and this always makes me wonder why everyone is not there? Why can't we all just say how we feel, what we want, what we need? Why is honesty not the most common practiced virtue?

Don't you think that if everyone was just honest and upfront about what they want that we might all be a little happier, and just a few words away from getting what we really want?

Just a few things that make me go hmmmmm....

Me vs. You vs. Who?

I have started to notice something that seems to have become a bit of a pattern. I say something about my life or something that happened to me or something I am feeling at the moment and someone else says "well what about me? i did blah, blah, blah.."

I don't know about you but when someone tells me something I don't automatically think, "how do you think I felt?" I automatically think, how did that make that person feel, is there anything I can do to help or make it better?

I am not sure why so many people, even selfless people, sometimes just want to jump to thinking about themselves in situations. Why is it that people feel the need for the comparison? Does it somehow make them feel more human? More Alive?

I guess I just don't understand because when someone starts to talk about something that happened to them, I actually just listen and let them talk it out.

And You Call Me Your Friend....?

When you hear the term "friend" what does that mean to you? To me, that means through thick and thin, through good and bad, without judgement, open arms, open heart, shoulder to lean on, FOREVER. It means love, it means I love you no matter what, I love you BECAUSE of you, not inspite of, it means FRIENDS first. I always put my friends before myself, or someone else's needs instead of mine. I am one of the most selfless people I know, and that is a bold statement. I don't mean to say it as a cocky thing, I mean to say it as a "what the fuck?" thing. How is it that someone who cares sooo much about other people, who is ALWAYS there for other people in whatever way possible, is constantly getting shit on.

It truly is amazing that I am still standing on two feet and still as happy as I am. It definitely took me a loong time to grow into my skin. To develop to be the strong, synical, comical, genuine (meh I was always genuine), independent, intelligent woman that I am.

I have consistently put my friendships ahead of my work and ahead of me in many cases. Apparently when the reverse came to be, the same was not true of my friends. Apparently their work was more important than their friendships, their love, the fundamental basis for being. It's happen with more than one of my friends (maybe I should be air quoting that, the term friend might be a little iffy.)

I feel like I often say I am shocked and amazed about something, which is what I thought for a split second here, but then was overcome with anger. It takes a lot to get me angry, to make me shed tears, to make my heart palpitate like it is about to jump out of my chest and run a marathon. This happened recently.

that's my rant since i can't make any more sense of it...sigh